Weather & Fashion
Earth bothered me with its dramatic temperature swings. I later found out from Jessie ( otherwise known as Jesus) and Big Buu (Buddha) that the temperature changes bothered them as much as us. They told me this same story that I will now unveil to you. Apparently, the Earth is a crazy psycho chick. A couple billion years ago, Earth and the Sun started hooking up. She was his main piece, but Venus was always his girl on the side. Anyway, Jessie told me that Earth and Papa Sun were doing it “raw dog” for about 17 billion years. Earth had no idea about Venus until she showed up on Papa’s front door, mid-penetration, fifteen seconds away from the best orgasm Earth has ever had, with a little baby comet, Halley. Well Earth was furious. And what made it worse was that Venus had an STD, which is Papa Sun is burning all the time. So, fast forward to now and Venus and Earth can’t stay away from each other. They follow Papa Sun and remain nearby all day and night for the rest of eternity. Halley ran away a long time ago, but flies in every once in a while to ask Venus for more “space dough.” And Earth is always crying (rain), throwing shit (lightning), or breaking things (earthquakes) because of her feelings toward Big Papa.
This leads us to the sweet part about heaven. It’s always 75 degrees and sunny. Unless we all choose otherwise. Everyone can dress any way they want, but most guys take advantage of this degree shift by going shirtless and rocking a fiery red cape. “Ninja Turtles”-style bandannas are imperative. “Light-safe” light sabers are carried around at all times, just in case you and your bro want to get together and have a friendly sword duel. And if an arm or head falls off, no worries. Everything grows back instantly. Board shorts are a must as well. And if you want to roll in packs, there are HeavenBoard long boards everywhere. Why walk when you can roll. It is tots the way to have funzies. Oh, i almost forgot, we are all perfectly chiseled up here. My abdominal area is so defined, I had to give all six areas of my six pack individual names. And i feed them twice a day, and water them every six hours.
Alright, I gotta get outta here. Jessie and I got a Wii bowling match in like 5 minutes. He says being late to events is the unofficial 11th sin. “I know we have all eternity and everything, but c’mon dawgggg!” I tried to tell Jessie that “dawg” was dead slang, but he refueses to let it go. Thinks its his best contribution to the English language since “gov’na.” Where is Mufasa?